Friends & Companions

Friends & Companions – A Solo Travel Report

©2009 Connecting: Solo Travel Network (CSTN) & Diane Redfern. Information

Excerpts from CSTN Files, Compiled and Edited By Diane Redfern

"As for a Travel Companion, these days, I wouldn't want to take a chance on planning a trip with someone I'd never met. For example, Melody Moser's article on meeting with her Polish penpal in your September issue." . . . MJW

Thanks to MJW for these words. They gave me food for thought, and I imagine many of you share her feeling. It is quite true – traveling as a twosome is chancy. Yet I'm not at all sure that the difficulty stems from travel partners never having met.

Over the years I have heard many comments expressing both happiness and discontent with roommates, regardless of whether they were recent or long-term acquaintances.

The fact is that travel, by itself, puts a strain on any relationship. Changes of locale, diet, culture, weather – all of these factors, and more, affect people differently. Each day brings a series of quick decisions and compromises about where to go and what to do. These constant adjustments may jostle even the dearest friendship. All sorts of situations contrive to bring out both the best and the worst in travel partners.

Best Friends May Be Worst Travel Partners

We've all heard stories of good friends – even spouses – who, though perfectly compatible at home, cannot tolerate one another on holiday. Some readers have been there done that, I'm sure.

Veteran travel consultant and author Nadine Nardi Davidson writes "traveling with friends – whether college roommates, buddies from work, your neighbors of ten years, or even your sister, can be the best way to share costs and good times . . . or the worst mistake you ever made." That quote comes from her book Travel With Others – Without Wishing They'd Stayed Home (1999 Prince Publishing, US$16.95).

Look to the Bright Side

When it comes to travel buddies, it seems you take a chance whether you go with family, friend, or perfect stranger. That being so, if your choices have narrowed to going alone or staying home, why not gamble on going with someone that you only recently met through our discussion board, CSTN Friends in Travel, or any other type of companion or friendship registry?

If it doesn't work out, at least you don't have to live with one another after the trip is over. You don't have to worry about losing a long-term friendship. And even if you do worry, you can, like Melody Moser, simply choose to look to the bright side of the experience. For the benefit of those who have not read Melody Moser's honest account of meeting and traveling with a penpal, and to refresh the minds of those who did read it, I recall firstly, that Melody and her Polish friend had corresponded and become friends by mail for "two years" before traveling together. Secondly, the overall tone of her article was positive about the experience. She was glad she took a chance, even though the relationship did not last. At least, as she said, she got to "learn about Poland from someone who'd spent his whole life there."

We are All Strangers

We are all strangers at first meeting whether it was at a bus stop or museum, at work or play, through friends or advertisements. Regardless of where or how people meet, at some point in building a relationship, they go with their feelings and take a chance on one another.

Most relationships work to a certain purpose over a short or long term. Some relationships bond passionately or intimately over a lifetime. Many relationships fade away, and some go badly awry for any number of reasons that would be pointless to discuss here. It's just life. Sometimes you lose; sometimes you win, but you can't be a winner if you never participate.

Following are a few examples taken from letters I have received from CSTN friends who found it well worthwhile to take a chance on friendship.

You Have to Play to Win

Dick G, Franklin, WI, writes: I joined CSTN with some reservations, but then again I like venturing out trying new experiences. I put in an ad and had a number of pleasant respondents. Later on I decided to take up an offer from a guy from New Jersey for a four-day weekend. And what a surprise! He was most gracious and a wonderful host, showing me around his area and "The Big Apple." Thanks to CSTN I had a terrific time with lots of fun, laughter and good memories. It was truly a positive experience, and I've made a new friend.

Roman B, Whistler, BC, writes: "Last summer I actually met and stayed three nights with Bojana who lives in Zagreb. A great young lady! I met her via Beatrice from Paris who posted an ad."

Bob K, Woodbury, CT, writes: "I met Lynn H in NYC last weekend. Personally for me it was a marvelous weekend. We just about did it all. Dinner on the Upper West Side the night she arrived. The next day was the Empire State Building (a first for me – passing it by for years), a five-hour walk up and down Little Italy for the street festival, then into Chinatown. On Sunday, Lynn did Lincoln Center while I did a walking tour of NYC architecture. Then we did a ride along Riverside Drive at night so she could see the lights. Only then did we hit the tourist trap (Times Square) for a drive-by. As for me, I had a great time. Lynn shipped me flowers yesterday. Was I touched!"

Chris H, Paradise, CA, writes: "I have enjoyed your Solo Travel News a great deal, but I am not going to renew my subscription, and I have to tell you why. I signed up for a three-week cruise on the MS Westerdam. While waiting for the bus to take me to the ship, I was sitting in the hotel lobby on a love seat. A gentleman sat down, and we started talking (I mostly listened). And 'it happened!' Something about his voice, his very blue eyes went straight to my heart! From then on we were inseparable; except for separate cabins (on the ship), we were together for every meal, dancing, shopping and on tours. We now spend holidays together either at my daughter's or with his family. We are very much in love and live every day to the fullest. But here is the kicker. I am 81 years young and he is a very young 93. I wanted to let you know that travel is a wonderful way to meet new people, make new friends and yes, even fall in love."

On the Other Hand . . .

As with any relationship, the success (or failure) of a travel partnership depends on mutual respect and compatibility combined with flexible expectations. Joyce J, Calgary, AB sent in this Reader Report years ago. Here are her tips (along with others collected here and there) for creating a workable travel partnership:

"Throw Harry from the train! That's what I felt like doing after he tore my copy of Spain on $25 a Day into minute shreds and flushed it onto the train tracks somewhere between Biarritz and Madrid.

"Take it from one who knows, your travel dream could seem like your worst nightmare if you choose a travel companion or tour that doesn't properly suit your interests and meet your objectives.

"Improve the odds of making the right selection by posing yourself a series of questions, then honestly assess the results.

What activities will you do on holiday?

What is your travel budget?

Do you expect to share expenses equally? Or, exactly what are your expectations regarding expenses?

Do you want a companion for independent travel, or a roommate for a group holiday?

Is it important for you to travel with a member of the same sex, the opposite sex, or does it matter? Is age a factor?

Is it a travel buddy you want, or are you really looking for an intimate relationship?

Do you like to plan every step of the way? Or, would you rather wait and see what each day brings?

What qualities have you that make you a good travel partner?

What qualities have you that might irritate a travel partner?

"Once these questions are answered, compile a detailed inventory of your ideal travel companion. List important qualities such as: punctuality, neatness, reliability, politeness, sense of humor, intelligence, adventurous, well-traveled, independent, decision-maker. Other personal considerations might include: smoker or non-smoker, non-drinker or social drinker, vegetarian, sexual orientation."

Older and Wiser

Jens Jurgen practiced matchmaking through his TCE (Travel Companion Exchange) for over 20 years, and during that time he learned and wrote volumes on the subject. He has now retired, but he was happy to give us a few of his thoughts, which, although aimed specifically at the mature traveler, really apply to people of all ages.

Be Bold. "Finding a compatible travel companion and possible future permanent partner takes patience. It can be especially difficult for mature ladies who were taught never to call a man. Now, they have to learn to take the initiative. Also, they need to reach out to all areas of the country, not just near home."

Forget stereotypes. "The stereotype thinking of older man-younger woman bothers many women. . . But we've (TCE) had hundreds of marriages and most were between people just a few years apart."

Be realistic. "Some singles add difficult (perhaps unreasonable) conditions: a potential travel partner must be tall, professional, slim, full head of hair, certain religion, no children, good dancer - being too inflexible can make life difficult, and lonely."

Listen. "Too many people make the mistake to write or talk just about themselves. Worse, they talk a lot about their former spouse, good or bad. Instead, learn about his/her interests, then be sure to mention such attractions in your area."

What does he (she) like? "Not all men like rushed package tours or cruises, shopping, dancing, opera, the ballet, or always dining out. Mention auto shows, antique markets, car racing, boating facilities, hiking trails, Civil War sites in your area to men whose initial conversation revealed such interests. Men who were in the (armed forces) in earlier years would most likely enjoy a visit to a famous military museum. Almost any area has some such attractions. If not, meet somewhere else, perhaps halfway."

Be different. "Many people go out to dinner when meeting the first time. How about something different – a comedy club, amusement park roller coaster ride, a concert in a park. You are more likely to part saying, 'I haven't had so much fun in years.'"

Diamond in the rough. "Some singles make the mistake of only responding to listings that sound the most wonderful, which means they may be competing with many others. Consider also less glamorous listings. By making contact with a broader group of people, it is indeed possible to find the diamond in the rough."

Summing Up

Compatibility

First. Determine your true reasons and expectations for wanting a travel companion. Do you simply want to lower costs by sharing expenses on one trip, or perhaps take a roommate to avoid single supplement charges on a tour or cruise? Or, are you really looking for a long-term life and travel partner? Be certain at the outset that any prospective partner understands and agrees with your motives.

Initiative. Post an ad. Respond to ads. Don't sit and wait.

Patience. It takes time to locate a travel partner who has the same interests and destination in mind and can go when you can, so don't expect to find the right person at a moment's, a week's, or even a month's notice.

Money. Mismatched spending habits can quickly ruin a holiday. Agree, beforehand, on a budget for dining, entertainment, and accommodation expenses. TIP! Instead of calculating and dividing bills after every joint occasion, many partners find it more agreeable to contribute an equal sum to a kitty from which joint expenses will be paid.

Honesty. Be candid about activities you do/don't enjoy and/or idiosyncracies. Discuss how to handle possible irritants such as reading at bedtime, early or late rising, smoking or special food habits. Insure there will be no misunderstanding about sexual orientation and expectations. Establish ground rules.

Trial-ride. Write, talk on the phone, and, if possible, take a few day trips and/or weekend excursions before embarking on a lengthier journey.

Respect

Treat every response to your companion ad as a gracious compliment and reply accordingly, even when the answer is negative.

Women who find it acceptable to let a man pay more than his equal share of expenses should anticipate that he may expect sexual favors in return.

Take travel commitments seriously. Cancellations, except under dire circumstances, are a grievous insult, especially when one partner is then forced to pay hefty single supplement or cancellation fees.

Be extra considerate about personal habits. Wipe-up the bathtub, shower, sink after use. Remove clutter from table/dresser tops. Respect one another's closet/drawer space.

Approach travel with a new acquaintance realistically. Few people are compatible 24 hours a day. Don't be dependent on partners. Schedule personal time for doing your own thing.

Flexibility

Compatibility is the ideal, but flexibility is the key to any compatible relationship, permanent or temporary. When activity/restaurant/hotel choices conflict, both partners need to compromise. Golf today, museum tomorrow, Greek food today, Italian tomorrow.

While it is best to meet and become acquainted with a prospective travel companion before embarking on a journey together, don't automatically eliminate a prospect from another town, province – or even another country.

Whether you travel with just one companion or with a group, at some point in the trip, eccentric interests, irritating habits, or upsetting attitudes may surface. At those times think "flexible." People with a sense of humor usually come up winners. CAUTION! Flexible, yes, but conceding entirely to someone else's holiday dream is a sure recipe for disaster: i.e. when the arty type gives over to the sun-lover and winds up on the beach at Waikiki instead of the Louvre Museum in Paris.

Are You a Flexible Traveler?

Just for fun, here's a short quiz you and your potential travel buddy can take to see if your flexibility level needs adjustment. Answer the following questions, choosing one comment that most suits your temperament from categories (a) to (e). Don't dwell on the replies, rely on the heart and respond quickly:

(1) Which of the following scenarios sets your imagination astir?

(a) Soft lighting, champagne popping, and a sultry voice singing the blues.
(b) A sweeping mountain panorama and the swoosh of skis on fresh powder.
(c) Raindrops tapping on the roof, whistling wind, and you indoors sipping hot, spiced wine by a crackling fire.
(d) The sun rising over a misty lake and a loon's haunting call.
(e) A canoe sluicing through white-water rapids.

(2) A good fairy grants you a dinner for two. Would you rather:

(a) Fly to Paris to dine at Maxim's.
(b) Board a luxury yacht. Dinner is anything your heart desires, served under sails and stars.
(c) Be transported by time machine to Windsor Castle. Queen Elizabeth I (it is 1595) invites you to sup and view a new play - Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.
(d) Abracadabra! Go to Africa! Dine in your luxury tree-top lodge, with a view of elephant and giraffe browsing by an adjacent water hole.
(e) Hop a helicopter and fly to a chalet perched on a rocky mountain ledge. Below, in an Alpine meadow, a symphony orchestra plays Beethoven as you dine.

(3) Which of the following quotes reflects your character?

(a) "See one mountain, one sea, one river, and see all." – Socrates.
(b) "Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter; sermons and soda water the day after." – Lord Byron.
(c) "The voyage of love is all the sweeter for an outside stateroom and a seat at the captain's table." – Henry S Haskins.
(d) "Love lives in cottages as well as in castles." – Proverb.
(e) "Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." – H L Mencken.

(4) You win a holiday of your choice: Would you select:

(a) Carnival Week in Rio De Janeiro.
(b) A week at any Club Med around the world.
(c) A Classical tour of Greece.
(d) Deep-sea fishing off the coast of Costa Rica.
(e) Trekking in the Indian Himalaya.

(5) For you, communing with nature is:

(a) Feeding squirrels in the park.
(b) Raising wind in a set of sails
(c) Losing your thoughts in the sound of tumbling surf.
(d) Eye-to-eye contact with a wilderness creature.
(e) Utter silence.